


Save Me

by maxcellwire



Category: Muse
Genre: M/M, Stream of Consciousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-22
Updated: 2013-04-14
Packaged: 2017-12-16 15:53:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 6,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/863828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maxcellwire/pseuds/maxcellwire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dom shuts himself down. Matt goes insane because of it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

I can't keep watching you like this. You just sit there

Staring

Like it doesn't mean anything. Like nobody cares.

Of course they care.

I care.

Blonde hair gone limp, grey eyes cold and hard as flint, face pale and gaunt. You used to always care about your appearance; when did you stop?

When did you stop asking?

When did you stop thinking?

When did you stop living?

I don't know.

Was it last year, when you told me, when you held me and promised me it would be okay, despite what they said? No. Not then. You were alive back then.

Was it early on in this year, when the air was cold and blew us across the pavement, when the heating ran out and we had to huddle under a blanket together for warmth? No, definitely not then. You smiled back then.

I never see it anymore. I never see your eyes sparkle, your teeth glinting in that perfect grin you would always flash me whenever you won our fights. I used to hate the way you smiled at me like that, looking at me like you were all superior and better than me, the child inside me tempted to stick my tongue out at you and throw a tantrum. Sometimes I did.

I would do anything for that smile now. I try whatever I can. I dance in front of you, sit and chat with you, bring you hot mugs of tea and tuck you into bed at night, curling up beside you and pressing your cold fingers to mine. You never respond to me. You never even try.

I feel like getting mad, sometimes. It's not  _my_ fault you're like this. It's not anybody's fault but your own. You just shut down one day. You won't come out of your shell anymore, not even for me. Don't you know how much I love you? Don't you realise I would do anything for you?

It's strange, seeing you so insecure. You're always in the same position when I come and see you. You barely even blink, your chest only rises and falls softly. Sometimes I have to remind myself that your heart is still beating.

Dominic, wake up. Help me out here. I can't take it anymore. It's been half a year. Half a year since you died, and yet you're still here. Why?

* * *

I hate you, Dom. I hate you so much. You're an ungrateful bastard and I wish you could see that. There's no way I'd be running around after you if I had any other choice. I want to kick you back into action, to drag you off your arse and out into the sunlight for once.

You're so selfish. I can't go out, not without you, so I sit inside. I try to read, to watch TV, to cook dinner, but every five minutes I have to check up on you again to see if you've moved. I can't even write music anymore; it's always the same depressing chord pattern. Nothing will come out. You've exhausted me.

We had it so good, Dom. We were happy. I was happy. I dragged you around that Christmas market and we bought pancakes and German sausages. We flew through the air and I watched the bright lights glint off your hair, your face lit with wonder, and you were the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen.

I can't believe you're even the same person. You're not. Dominic is dead.

You are not him.

* * *

I told you. I told you and I shouldn't have done but I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry for telling you the truth, I'm not sorry for forcing you to look me in the eyes for once, and I'm definitely not sorry for being frightened.

Anybody would have been.

You looked right through me, Dom, I know you did. Your gaze just passed right through me, grey fixing on equally grey skies outside. It's nearly winter again, Dom, nearly our time again.

I tried to wake you up. I succeeded. You walked away.

You got up, legs stiff and straight, and walked right out of the house. You didn't say a word. You didn't turn back to me, you didn't flinch at my yelling. You just walked and walked and walked. I couldn't keep up with you, Dom. I ran after you and I tripped and I fell and I screamed and I pounded the ground and I wept into the floor until my eyes ran dry, but you didn't come back.

Don't you love me anymore?


	2. Chapter 2

You came home. I didn't know you would, and that terrifies me. You didn't even acknowledge me, Dominic, but that's okay. I accept that.

But all you said was, "No."

It confused me. You didn't relapse back into nothingness, instead choosing to get up and walk around, but you never made a noise. It was like living with a ghost, only able to hear the noise you leave behind you. Like your depression is staining everything else without being able to see the damage at first glance.

What am I talking about? There's no damage. The damage is an illusion. I can fix this, if I only figure out how to.

* * *

I wish you would stop ignoring me, Dom. It feels like I'm talking to a brick wall here. We always used to share our deepest secrets, even before any of this began. I could tell you anything and you could tell me anything and we'd laugh at each other's idiocy. But now I can't tell you because you're the problem and I'm afraid that telling you would only make it worse.

I can't tell anybody.

Hell, I don't even know anybody to tell. I don't know anyone but you, Dom. You're my everything and you're crumbling at my feet and you're closing your ears and your eyes and your mind and you're screaming so loud on the inside that you can't hear the soothing whispers from out here.

I know that you can't hear me, Dom. There's no way that you'd ever ignore me, no way that you'd deliberately not answer my questions.

What did you do to yourself that night, I wonder?

What happened after you came home caked in mud and said your first word in over a month? What happened when you just decided to continue as if nothing had happened, as if you were completely alone?

I wish I could make you understand that you're not alone, Dom. I'm here. I always will be.

* * *

I tried to call Chris. I tried to get him to help me but he refused to answer. Endless cries of, 'Matt? Matt, Matt, mate, you alright?" were shouted into the phone and I just put down the receiver, not willing to listen to his screaming anymore. Perhaps you are wise in forcing deafness upon your ears. It seems a lot easier when you don't try and listen.

I'm trying to learn from you, Dom. That's what friends do, that's what people do. They learn from their mistakes, learn from experiences, learn from other people. Maybe if I try and act like a person should, you'll follow my lead.

But I'm not doing particularly well, Dominic. You and I both know that I'm nothing without you. You and I both know how many times I had to cling on for stability. All the times that we didn't tell the others, all the secrets we kept and the lies we told. Endless lies, lying and lying and lying until we were wrapped in a cocoon of lies. Except now they're strangling me and you've fallen asleep and there's nobody to pull me out because nobody else knows it exists and nobody else knows we exist and nobody else can save me and I can't breathe, Dominic, Dom, help me, I can't breathe, it hurts, Dom, it really, really  _hurts_.


	3. Chapter 3

Bitter.

My dreams taste bitter.

They happen every night, Dom. Every night a different dream, every night a worse fate. I dream of you but I bet you're not dreaming of me. I dreamed that I was carrying you, that you were draped across my back. I dreamed that I was crawling through a wasteland, having to physically drag my feet that were so tired from over-work. You were so light, Dom, so weak and frail, but at the same time you were the heaviest burden to carry.

I wake up coated in sweat and coated in guilt. I feel bad dreaming about you like that, Dom. I know you don't mean to harm me. I know it's not your fault. But when I turn over and see you staring at the wall again, it leaves a metallic taste in my mouth.

* * *

Dom, you're hurting me. You're not even touching me but you're hurting me. I can feel your hand clamped strongly around my forearm, feel you dragging me towards you, but you haven't even moved. And yet I'm so sure of the feeling; I can't be imagining it. I'm a lost child who swam too far out to sea, the waves forcing me further away from the shore, invisible seaweed tangling around my ankles and dragging me to the seabed. I'm drowning in you, Dom, I'm

drown

           i

              ng.

It feels like that in my dreams. Last night I didn't even feel like a person. Last night I didn't feel real. And the worst part is-I liked it.

* * *

Chris came over. He told me lies. He got in my face and he shouted at me and he told me lies. I shouted and screamed for you, Dom, I clawed at his face and covered my ears and yelled your name over and over but you didn't even blink. How can you possibly not hear me shouting? Why can't I get through to you?

He told me you're not real. He told me that you had been real and you're not real anymore and I laughed in his face because I know something that he doesn't. I know that you are real, and maybe you're not nice to me like you used to be, and maybe you're difficult to bear and you refuse everything I try to give you, but you're still there and I can still see you. He can't.

* * *

Dominic, help me, I'm breaking. I have nothing left to give you anymore. I'm a tethered rope, the final strand holding me together seconds away from breaking and I have to keep myself away from you in case I explode and become a splatter on the bedroom wall. All you do is take and take and take and all I do is give and give and give but you always want more. You're not even asking but I know you want it and I know you need it. I always knew you like that.

...

Dom?

Can I ask you something?

Dom?

Dom, is Chris right?


	4. Chapter 4

I want you to love me like I love you. I want you to wind yourself around me and never let me go. I want you to merge your soul with mine, I want you to take me away from here and make me yours again. I want you to burn up the stars. I want the sun to engulf us; I want to watch the world perish in fire. I want to see the seas rising. I want to stand there with your hand in mine, superior. I want to see it all end, I want to see it all begin, I want to see it all.

I want anything but this.

Chris called again, Dom. Chris always calls, Dom. You never answer the phone, Dom. You never answer me, Dom. You never listen to me, Dom. Sometimes I wonder if you're really even there, Dom.

Chris wonders that too.

Chris says you're not there.

Chris makes me sad.

I remember when you made me happy. I remember it so well, Dom. I remember you smiling at me, I remember your eyes dancing and your teeth sparkling and your fingers twirling and your legs crossing and uncrossing and curling around me.

That makes me sad, too.

* * *

They're taking you away, Dom. I don't know who they are. I can't see them, I can't hear them, but I can feel them. You flicker and fade and die out and it terrifies me and I cry out for you and clutch at the air where you stood.

You always come back for me, though. Just like you always used to. I know you'll always stay with me-at least you always keep your promises.

* * *

Kicking and screaming. Biting, scratching, sobbing. Throat hoarse, but I keep going, keep pushing, keep breaking free. Freedom is mine. You remember that, Dom? Of course you remember that. I'm sure you won't tell me you remember, but I know you remember.

How could you forget? How could you lose these memories when even I have them drilled into my brain? Sprawled out across the piano in front of me, eyes closed, your expression serene, listening to the music emanating from beneath your bare skin. What a day that was.

This music I create now, this is not what you'd think. They tell me it's not music, they tell me to stop, but I'm still screaming for you. Hear me, Dom. Hear my music again. You always loved my music, you were always drawn to my music. You brought out the music in me, you made me see who I truly was. You squashed my fears and you urged me forwards and boosted me up, and I became brilliant. We were brilliant together. We soared above the clouds together, Dominic. Do you remember that too?

* * *

Have you lost yourself like I have? Are you feeling the same way I am? I'd hate for this to happen to you, Dom, and the thought of it kills me every day. I can't imagine you like this. You always were too strong for this, too happy for this. Even now, sat opposite me with your endlessly blank expression, I can tell you're probably smiling inside. Maybe you're tired. Maybe you've forgotten how to smile. But Dominic is always happy, and there's nothing that could possibly change that.

I can't even look at you without crying. I can feel their eyes on me, I can feel their hands on my body. My hair stand on end, my body cringing away from the air around me, because I can still feel ghostly digits clenching around my arms, and they're not the ones I'm looking for.

My thoughts are too scattered to form coherent words anymore. Can you understand what I'm telling you?

 


	5. Chapter 5

Laid out on a slab. Bare. Broken. I'm waiting patiently, waiting for my chance to strike.

They think my brain's broken, Dominic. Isn't that funny? My brain has never been better. Even now, when I'm supposed to be out for the count, I'm plotting a way to get to them. And I will get to them. I will get out of here even if it takes my whole life, because you're not in this room with me, and it's disturbing. You haven't left me alone for a moment until now, not since you ran away, and the absence of your presence is clear to me.

My heart yearns for you. My soul is crying out. And yet my body remains pinned to the slab.

What have they done to me, Dominic? Panic arising, my limbs still trapped despite the blood flowing, despite the synapses connecting, despite everything and anything and why and why and  _why_?

* * *

I can feel them digging around inside of me, Dominic. Isn't that strange? They're not even touching me. There's a man, and he's talking, and I'm not listening. He expects me to answer him, but he's not asking any questions. I can feel my eyes blurring as I search the room for you and they're still digging around inside of me. Long fingers and tentacles curling around my insides until I squirm, squeezing and prodding in some desperate attempt to figure out how I work. As if they could do that; even I don't know the answers.

I don't know any of the answers anymore. Remember when I knew everything? We were on top of the world together, and I had an answer for everything. I knew how the world was created; I knew what brought us together, what tore people apart, when to say 'Yes' and when to say 'No', but now I'm muddled up. I say 'Yes' when I mean 'No' and say 'Never' when I mean 'I love you'. Perhaps it's a sign that I've lost control of myself.

This is the most coherent thinking I've done in weeks, Dominic. I'm lining up my thoughts, the man's voice rhythmic enough to give me a beat. I need to write this song. There's a song and I need to write it.

I tell him this and he laughs.

No.

I don't think you understand.

I need to write this song.

So I get up. I get up and walk out of the room and I can feel a breeze swirling about my ankles and wonder why the air is penetrating my trouser legs.

There's somebody running behind me, chasing after me, and I hope it's you. Of course it isn't, though. You glide smoothly beside me, always there, always waiting, tempting me from wherever you are right now. That's one thing I've noticed; when you're here, you're not. How kind of you to lie to me.

* * *

I never made it out. You should know, because you were watching. They came from nowhere, shadowy figures infiltrating my mind, sharp, searing pain travelling up my spine until there was no escape from it. The fire consumed me and I fell to the ground shrieking and screaming and curling in on myself, burning like charcoal until I scarred the ground with my flames, and you just sat and watched me.

Physical pain can't get to me anymore. I forced myself up and out, screaming for the fire, screaming for you, screaming for something to tell me who I was and what I was and why I was because I didn't know. Flinging myself onto you, falling to the ground, pounding the floor. I could feel their eyes, everyone's eyes. Everybody in the world was watching me.

I've spent my entire life being watched, people waiting for a performance or a speech of some sort, hanging on the edge of my every word to hear me say something supportive, profound, something that I could never provide. And when I finally have something to say, I can't say it. It won't come out as anything other than a tortured cry, anguish exploding from within me until I'm jerking on the ground. And they all see me as I truly am.

They dragged me back in. I can't even get a purchase on them anymore, Dominic. I thought I would be able to fight them. My God, I had the energy to! My body is telling me I can do everything. My mind is telling me I can do everything. There is nothing to stop me but the walls of this cage, the one they're trapped me in. I'm monitored like an animal, Dominic, and they're waiting for my next move. 'Look at this stupid man. Let's torture him. Let's keep the one he loves out of reach and watch him beg. Maybe we'll film it, put it on a screen to entertain the masses. After all, we are only human.'

I've always known that people are horrific, but I never thought it could get this bad. You were the only one to ever give me any faith, and they're taking you away. You've got to resist them, Dominic.

Remember The Resistance?

Remember the album? Remember making it? Remember playing together?

My God, we're not resisting now, are we?

 


	6. Chapter 6

colours, Dominic. such pretty colours spread out in a spectrum above my head. i am engulfed in colours and they are beautiful like you.

somebody wants the colours to go

said the colours aren't right

what can be right if the colours aren't right?

the colours are asto

astound

astouding

they are fantastic

they are like you

i lost you but i've found you in the colours, Dominic.

it's like splashing paint across the room, rolling around i

but it's difficult to tell where one colour ends and one colour starts

i think i've discovered a new colour

i'll name it Dominic

because it reminds me of you

but all colours remind me of you

and when you painted me.

that was amazing.

i remember your painting, Dominic.

do you remember your painting?

i told him about your painting and he gave me a smile

i think he likes me

nobody's liked me for a while

but today everybody likes me

the people coming out of the walls like me.

they're tickling me, stroking my bare skin until i

you would love this, Dominic.

it reminds me of that tour

for our album

what was it called?

the album

the one

about spiders

we wrote an album about spiders,,,,didn't we?

i think we did

i'm not sure anymore.

i'm

quite sad now.

oh.

* * *

my skin is prickling again and it feels funny

it feels like fingers on my skin tickling me

your armpits are fluffy, Dominic.

i remember that

and you always used to brush me off unless i tied you down

and you screamed and cried and your smile was like the sun

and your tears flowed down your cheeks like rainbows

such pretty rainbows.

i'm thinking of colours.

i'm going to list them.

i can see:

red/crinsomom/the flush at the tips of your ears

blue/ceruueulean/my irises reflected in yours

white/angel's wings/your favourite shirt

grey/chrom/eyes that consume my soul

oh dear.

i'm sad again.

* * *

Outraged. Vision blurred. Red-rimmed and howling. They drugged me, Dominic! Can you even believe it? They drugged me! They drugged me and filmed me and 'observed my behaviour'. What did I tell you? They're after me, I know it!

It's been years since I last did drugs, but they weren't like this. These were pretty strong. Just darkness and flashes of liquid rainbows. I think paint was dripping into my eyes but I'm not too sure.

But it's terrifying. This is what they can do, Dominic. This is what they can reduce me too. They might try it again, and I'll end up a quivering mess on the floor. I'm a grown man! I'm respectable! I can fend for myself, and I don't want them mocking me.

* * *

i lied to you and that makes me laugh, Dominic.

you were lying to me a lot i remember i know that you lied, Dominic.

but it's okay

i forgive you

i lied to you too

shhhh

it's a surprise.

i'm not going to te

but i found

something

i can't,,,,

something?

rainbows

such beauty

nothing compares except you, Dominic

you were perfection

flawlessnessnessnessness

but this is something different

perhaps?

i think so?

i don't know.

tell me what i think, Dominic.

i want to be told when i don't understand.

the colours are telling me that you're alive

i like the colours, Dominic

they're nicer than Chris.

 


	7. Chapter 7

i'm sort of wavering on the

edge

over the

edge

because the

edge

of the knife is quite sharp don't you think?

and the edge is sparkling and shiny and oh so tempting and it's beautiful

~matthew matthew~

it whispers to me

~look at me matthew look what you could have look at it~

i know they're watching me

i'm not that far

gone

.

but.

i must keep my wits about me, you see, Dominic?

there are voices in my head now and not a single one is you and i don't like that at all it's rather borrrring so booooored boooring Dominic i'm soo so soOOO bored

and the edge winks at me and it says

~fall over matthew fall to me come to me you know i love you more than they do~

do you think it loves me?

it's alive

that's for sure.

it's funny, Dominic, how i know an inanimate object is alive,

and yet i'm still not sure

about

you.

* * *

Apparently I did good, Dominic. Apparently I did well, I did swell, I did so bloody perfect that they want to keep me. Congratulations let's throw a party will you be there?

Please be there, Dominic.

I'm so lonely without you.

I'm actually surprised by how much I need you around. I know that I love you and I want you all the time and I know that my life itself depends on you, but I didn't quite realise that my soul and yours were so connected that you take mine with you, wherever you are. Flickering at the edge of the room, you are. Sitting in the corner of my mind, you are. Floating on the ceiling, you are.

Gone, you are.

* * *

gone gone gone that's what you said you said gone and i said no and the edge yelled ~matthew he's telling the truth~ and i think the edge is a dirty liar

a bit like chris

i mean

yeah

i guess so

i,,,

hmmm

let me think, Dominic, if you say yes and i say no then you must be alive because that's what we were always likeike and that's what we always were we always were that and it's always been the same i think you're still here.

i would like a bit of proof, though.

i would like somebody to tell me hey hey matthew matt matt yeah dominic? oh yeah he's right

and liquid joy would dribble down my cheeks and you would be there and everything would be perfect

but the edge is screaming at me again

impatient bastard

doesn't it realise?

i'm too preoccupied with you oh you and you're so so s,o much more important than anything it could ever say

~matthew matthew why are you ignoring me?~

go away.

* * *

Oh dear. Didn't I mess it up this time, Dominic? Didn't I mess myself up this time, Dominic? Didn't I mess us up this time, Dominic?

How did you ever put up with somebody as foul as me? How did you ever deal with me? How did you ever avoiding killing me? Spending so much time with myself makes me want to do the same and god I admire you and your patience and your permanent smile. The one I miss so much. You know the one I'm talking about.

They took it from me and you're back but then they took you too and I'm so confused, Dominic, please help me, Dominic, I'm terrified, Dominic.

Why won't you answer me?

Why won't you even talk to me?

I'm ASKING YOU A QUESTION.

PLEASE

DOMINIC

PLEASE

!

DOMINIC

Domi

Dominic

Dominic, I

I can't do this without you.

Please come back to me.

I'll do anything.

Pl

eas

e


	8. Chapter 8

I refuse to believe them. I can't believe them, won't believe them, won't allow anybody else to believe them. Because if I believe them it means you're gone, and ifyou're gone then I know that my existence is unnecessary.

It's a strange thing, knowing that my life itself depends on whether you are real or whether you are not, and not, in fact, my own strength like it should be. I suppose that's a good thing because, if my life were to depend on how grounded I am, I would've floated up into space millions of years ago.

You tied me down, held me to the ground. I was your willful subject; you may have done the pinning, but I never struggled, never needed to break free. I was a content prisoner and you had me captured with your golden lies.

So many years, Dominic.

So many years I didn't realise.

I had been thinking of you so much, but lied to myself. And now it feels strange when I don't think of you. It's almost a betrayal not to, I think. Should I not be dedicating my life to you?

Perhaps if I think about you constantly, you will be able to feel my desperation, and you'll come back to me. It's all I want, Dominic, all I need. I only want to hold you again, like we did on the night of that Christmas market. The night of spices and thrills in the air, the night of smiles spreading across our faces and twinkling rainbow lights hanging in your hair. The night of such pure joy that I've forgotten everything that came after.

I remember waking up in your arms.

I'm sure of it.

They cannot lie to me when I am so sure myself.

Because, Dominic, if I did not wake up in your arms, then I do not exist.

And I'm fairly sure I do.

* * *

 

but then there's a question there's a deep question as to whether i do actually exist.

they asked me it a lot Dominic they asked me whether i thought i existed and i answered yes of course because how could i possibly not exist when i'm right

here

i've always been here

i'm here for you, if you need me, Dominic

i'm right here, waiting for you to come back to me, just waiting and waiting and i will wait forever, i'm sure you know.

goodness gracious Dominic if only you knew what i would do for you. if only you had believed when i promised you the world, when i promised you that our lives would get better despite being at the peak. i knew we would make it past there, and i still hold myself to that vow i really do because the vow is me the vow is my soul my soul yearns for more yearns for you,

Dominic.

but i will fade.

i will fade

out

again

and

again

over

and

over

unless

* * *

 

there is a way to stop it

and that's coming back to me.

i shouldn't bargain.

i don't have the right to do that but it's all i can think of left to do and i am telling the truth i promise i promise i always did didn't i?

i always did even when you didn't even when you fed me lies spun of gold and forced me to become your slave i was always a slave for you and you know it

i still am, if you want me.

if you could possibly take me back, possibly grace me with your presence

i am here

i will always be here

even when i begin to fade away, even when i can feel my soul crumbling

because, Dominic, i die everyday.

i am constantly dying.

i die and then i come back and then die and come back and cycle my way through and when i die i don't want to come back but i always do i always end up back here because i have to for you Dominic i have to be here in case you want me again in case you love me again i can't help myself because i will always always bring myself back.

for you, Dominic.

i would do anything.

* * *

 

There's only one thing to learn from being in this place, being so confined by its bland walls and its echoing head and heart and soul there's no soul here.

The one thing I can learn, I already knew.

I love you.

And I need you.

More than anything.


	9. Chapter 9

The days are tiring now, Dominic. That's not to say that they weren't exhausting before, but I have grown so bored. They've stopped feeding me with those drugs now, those colours that broadened my horizons and narrowed my thinking, so I have nothing to take my mind off the fact that I'm still trapped here.

It's not a padded room. Not yet, anyway.

Next thing you know they'll be strapping me down, leather bound tightly around my skin. Or it'll be straight-jackets. "This prisoner is unhealthy and dangerous."

Oh, Dominic. If only they could see that the only person I'm a danger to is myself.

I have finally realised what it all is and how it all works, Dominic.

I finally know what's happening here, but I refuse to let you go.

If I let you go, you will fade out of my life forever, and I wouldn't be able to continue if such a disastrous thing were to happen.

* * *

I have a plan, Dominic. I can see you in the corner with your arms wrapped around your knees and I'm ignoring you. Please accept my apologies, Dominic. You see, it is all part of the plan, the game I have set up. We're all pieces being moved along the board and suddenly I have bent the rules.

I'm going to get out of here. I'm going to save us.

* * *

 

They're watching again and I'm smiling at them. A calm smile. You know the ones, Dominic.

The smile I used to give you in the morning, eyes slightly unfocused when I'm still bleary from sleep and lost in thought. When I watched the morning glow touch your hair and reached out to join it, my only aim for the morning to be with you.

We're still together, Dominic.

It takes a lot of energy, but you're still here, so I suppose it's all worth it. Your company is everything to me. You healed my broken soul, took it in your tender hands and turned it over and over, fashioned it into something beautiful and held it close to your heart. Without your lifeblood, I don't think my structure will hold out.

I can see them giving me pointed looks and I just shrug. I am a good liar, Dominic.

I know I am a good liar.

I lied to you a lot.

I won't apologise, Dominic. Apologies are for funerals, when you stand at the podium and tell funny stories of how they used to be and how you wished you could have them back wished you could take it all back wished you'd just told them you loved them one last time.

I love you, Dominic.

Just in case you leave me again.

* * *

 

oh dear oh dear i think i have lost my ear

Dominic my dearest dearest Dominic apple of my eye desire of my heart all my wildest dreams and fantasies spun into one single person

it appears that i have royally fucked up.

HA

mistakes are

in their essence

what make us are they not? and wasn't i always full of mistakes? every single day you correct me

you're still doing it now i know

was that why you looked at me like that, Dominic? was that why you watched me and didn't say a word? i should've known that you would help me if you'd thought it was a worthy cause because you and i are bound we are one together and you will follow me everywhere for as long as i follow you

to the ends of the earth i would follow you

into the depths of hell and back until we reach our heaven

the clouds

hanging over our souls

is there a heaven?

you are my heaven, Dominic

you are the reason i don't believe in the afterlife because i know that nothing can be more perfect than your divine soul

you are perfection incarnate

oh Dominic how my misery forces me to dwell on past happiness!

oh Dominic how i wish i could hold you right now hold you even though you're flickering on the threshold because i can't reach out

can't touch you

can't feel you

can't love you quite like i did back then when we had it so perfect

i wish you would let me, Dominic.

you know that i am yours forever, yours to keep and to have and to hold until you no longer require my company no longer crave me like i you

i am everything right now.

i am solid liquid gas

i am can see everything hear everything feel everything there is

it is all tangible, Dominic, because it stretches out from my fingers and my toes spreads through the veins and in the bright blood that runs through both you and i

i am you, Dominic, and you are me.

we are each other.

always have been.

always will be

no matter how insane it may drive me

i will be with you

always

 


	10. Chapter 10

Just staring at a wall.

Staring at a wall.

Staring at a wall.

Where are you, Dominic?

Staring at a wall.

Staring at a wall.

It's a constant routine of wake and curse and roll and stare and ignore and feel yourself wasting away and check and are you there are you not there and roll back and eyes slipping fight it fight it fight it but the darkness always closes in.

It is inevitable, Dominic, that I will end up alone. I cannot forget you. Even when you are gone, even when you have gone out, gone away, left me by myself for a while, I cannot ignore your presence. You're still here. The energy. It tells me. You're here.

But when I fall asleep, my mind shuts itself down and it terrifies me, Dominic.

Because when I am disappeared they can do anything they want to me.

They can do anything they want to you.

I need to be your soldier, your guard. I am looking after you, now. I am the small yet mighty and I will take them on, will protect my treasure from filthy, jealous hands.

But I cannot be constant. I am wavering in and out of existence and whenever the blackness consumes my being and swallows me perfectly, like a blanket over my head but without the light sneaking in through the gaps in the fibres, like a total eclipse, I am destroyed with the blankness, staring at a wall.

And when I am not constant, they take you.

And when I am not constant, they destroy me.

Must

Hold

Out.

* * *

WAKE UP

It's milky and colourful and blurry and fascinating, like a secret garden I've created for the pair of us, a paradise for us to live in. Come stay with me, Dominic.

WAKE UP

The air is warm here. Not suffocating, like the damp air from where I escape from. Not like the stale air of early morning rises and coffee breath. Just a perfect warmth, like you.

WAKE UP

I'm waiting for you in perfection. I don't need to ask questions, because I know you will join me. How could you resist my utopia? How could you resist me? I know enough to remember that you never did before.

WAKE UP

Look at the pretty lights floating around in the air and the vivid colours of everything around, like in a children's picture book instead of the dull, real life hues that restrict our imaginations.

WAKE UP

Everything. Everything is so beautiful. It's like a garden made of you, our own personal Eden, and you're the only thing missing. Come and be the statue in the corner of the patio, my real life Adonis. You'd fit in well here. It is exactly how you are and ex

.

Dominic.

Dominic?

I think my heart just stopped.

* * *

pull me under Dominic pull me down under the waves

i heard that drowning is the most peaceful way to die and right now i'm too fragile to manage anything worse.

is there a light please tell me

i know everything Dominic

i know

i know it all

i've never been so powerful and yet my state

my state of mind

my state of matter

what chemical state am i?/?

says that my power is useless because my power would be too out of control and they cannot trust me even though you and i both know

knew

that i am the most trustworthy person in the world

oh Dominic i wish you'd trusted me

i wish you'd fallen into my arms because my arms would've held you better than the floor ever did wouldn't i wouldn't i Dominic?

say you'd have trusted me

say you'd have fallen to me if you could

i hate you, you know

Dominic? you listening?

i hate you because i love you far too much and it hurts it really really does it hurts like nothing i've ever felt before and please Dominic pl _ea_ se you're killing me

you killed me long ago

loving you makes me want to die.

* * *

And so here I am.

Staring at a wall.

Staring at a wall.

The colours are gone, Dominic.

All of them.

Staring at wall.

You left with them.

Months ago.

Didn't come back for me.

Was my love unrequited? Was I so deluded all along that this is now sanity?

Is this sanity?

I hope not.

Staring at a wall.

Dominic Dominic Dominic Dominic

you're the only thought that's ever in my mind.

Dominic, I miss you.

Dominic, I love you.

Staring at a wall.

Forever and a day.

Dominic.

Save me.

 


End file.
